[These past few months have dragged on for me. As time passes, I find myself struggling for some reason. There are moments where my battle with my anxiety has gotten unbearable. But that is only a smokescreen for what I’ve really been dealing with. I think what’s been happening to me recently is actually a good thing. I think it’s about becoming confident in who I really am and what I really believe in for the first time in my life. And it’s strange: we’re told how confidence is this great thing, how being yourself feels good. And it does, 100%. But it can also be scary at times. It’s like opening a window and letting the cool air hit your skin; it’s fresh but not without a biting undercurrent. But it’s good. Real good.
I shared two blog posts that years ago I never would’ve dreamed of writing, nevermind sharing with everyone I know. I shared an album that doesn’t really sound like something I ever thought I’d make. And I think I’m tired. I think I’m depressed. And years ago, I would’ve just sat there until it passed. Recently, I’ve begun going to my “happy place” in my thoughts. I would’ve scoffed at a self help tactic like that years ago. But it helps. I’ve learned to stop judging myself so much. It’s not about fist fighting unwanted thoughts or emotions, but rather focusing on something that you love instead. Chasing genuine love and stability. It’s in that process the unwanted shit withers. Being blunt and repeating “I don’t want this”, while it may ventilate some rage at first, won’t make it go away in the long run. It actually plays into it. It’s not necessarily what I think but the way I think, the rational nature I try to inhabit. It’s finding peace.
My “happy place” is whatever works. I tell myself what time it is, what day it is, what the weather is like, where I am and what I'm doing specifically. I focus specifically on that moment. I put on soundtrack music that’s softer in nature. I think of video games I love, shows I love, places I like, places I’d like to go to (even if the place is made up), if I think it feels nice I imagine it. I imagine myself doing things I love. But what I’ve realized, almost every single time, is that I'll also imagine being with other people. I imagine having a partner to talk to. I didn't have many chances at that growing up. After a while, my head feels clearer. Sometimes it makes me want to cry how much better I feel.
Thinking back on my teenage years was always this dark thing. I’ve tried remembering the good from that time. It's the simple things. I remember my favorite drink to buy at lunch time in high school from the cafeteria. I remember teachers I liked. I remembered my last class of the day around 1:25PM and the view the windows would have of the sun beating down onto the parking lot. I remember that, though I was deeply troubled, I was more confident back then than I am now. I loved the things I loved unconditionally. I knew what I didn’t like. I was inarticulate but I knew who I was deep down. I really found myself and my sensibilities about life in that time. I'm only getting around to truly grasping those sensibilities now. 26 year old me actually feels more like a 17/18 year old me if I had never fallen off. I remembered all the music I made. All the journals I filled with draft lyrics and track lists, ideas for projects, stories and more. The dream was just in doing it like I always have. I’ve been living the dream with music since I was 13. It was how I found peace.
It's all about finding peace. Channeling rage helps with that. Though I don’t feel good now, I can tell I’m starting to come out this episode I've been in for a few months. Finding that confidence again. It’s good to have that “happy place” to go to. Even though sometimes its hard to find, it’s always there. I think for now that’s what I rely on. This blog has turned into a method of piecing myself together through all of this. I love that I have this.]